I haven’t written here in a while because lately my thoughts have circulated around personal non-interesting matters.

But today I will try to relate to you the sums of months of thought.

On the professional plane I find myself in a deadlock, too live means to die and to die means to live. It’s a paradox where I’m forced to make a choice.
Either I take up a job as a coder and thus my dream of becoming a renown illustrator dies, or I continue to get myself in debt and try to find other ways of continuing the path of an illustrator but i fear that path is short lived.

And what’s worse is that I’ve been creatively blocked because I’ve begun taking care of matters in my life which I’ve for a long term been neglecting.
Meaning that the former problem is completely unimportant before I solve this one.

And this one (as cheesy as it is ) is caused by love, or rather lack thereof.

Before in my ultimate geek days I was completely alone but not truly lonely, now that I’m finally surrounded by girls and friends – having reached many of my goals I find myself even more alone than ever before.

I remember my naive self thinking, if a girl just would love me I’d love her back with all my heart. But now that I’ve met a good share of female individuals, I find myself become picky in my taste.

Suddenly I find intelligent independent self-conscious girls attractive, and the needy girls with low self-esteem have become framed with disgust.
I don’t even feel ashamed for that statement – because how can one who does not love oneself expect to be loved by others?

So here I am, working out on a gym patching up the last holes of my ego and I love myself more than ever, but to what avail?
All I’ve managed to accomplish is to create an addiction for closeness and recognition.

Well I’m confused do I want a girlfriend or not?
That in itself is a paradox, if I try to find a girlfriend I’ll have the luxury of feeling the joy of love. But at the same time I’ll loose myself in someone else and wont be able to live without them. And just as that I will be looked upon as “needy” and thus moderately severe my chances of getting a girlfriend not to mention that I’ll never even come close to the girl of my dreams.

So yes that choice was kinda easy, I’m not going to search for a relationship, I’ll just continue to be independent and strong so that one day I’ll be able to show a slight weakness to the girl that truly means something to me.


In other words, I need to meet more people and pull off more one-nighters.